Friday, July 25, 2008

My life is (now) an open book ...

I spend a lot of time on the internet. Blogging, researching, googling, posting, and not enough reading.

Maybe those who read rather than post are the smart ones. If you don't participate you don't have an opinion. If you don't have an opinion then you are not a target. If you're not a target you don't go through a hellish couple of months for which you and your family (particularly husband) will continue to suffer residual effects.

Recently I fell into a trap: I responded to a lot of welcoming and kind people. When met with kindness, I do what I do: get involved, support (be it with words or funds), participate, engage. I have met some tremendously lovely women: by far the majority of the people I know. I have also met a handful of petty, jealous, spiteful, manipulative, hateful, ego-maniacal bitches.

Am I a bitch? Yup. I have my moments. Not 24/7 but I'm sure part of each day, maybe part of each each hour of each day I am a bitch. I own it.

I have been upbeat, encouraging, honest, kind, supportive, engaging, open and occasionally frustrated and confrontational here on the world wide web.

Lets be clear: I own every word I say. I do not own every word you are told I've said.

A couple of months ago, I had my hand slapped for not playing nice with people who outed themselves for their own poor behaviour. I made a deal that I would censor my own posts on my own blog so that people on a message board would not get their knickers in a knot because they called themselves out on their own bullshit which occurred not on the message board, but IN MY LIFE.

I made this deal with someone who doesn't even read this blog! Absurd. Ignorant.

The deal is done. I can no longer hold up my end of the bargain. It is like telling a person who smokes that they can't have a cigarette. What does the smoker do? They think about it. All.the.time. It becomes all-encompassing.

I am so upset with myself for thinking that things would get better, get easier, go away. Then I learned about the "We Hate Lee Club" recruitment campaign. That coupled with learning that this was a one-way deal: that I had to be censored but no one else had to be. Life is not fair. But this deal was completely wrong from it's inception.

I will not be censored.


Midnite Scrapper said...

Lee~Sorry that you are going through this. What on earth? Why can't people grow up? And if it is something happening in YOUR life, why do you need to censor? To protect those that are not worth it anyway? I don't agree. If someone is truly "actin' a fool" as we say around here - it needs to be dealt with. They need to move on.

:: gingerkitty :: said...

so esoteric....I love your style and I will tell you this. I love your blog because you are supportive and loving and kind and don't bow to the ranting... I bow to you now and say simply


Michelle said...

Lee - remember that there are those of us out there who DO love you. Screw the others.

I missed the drama (thankfully), but I hope it goes away for you soon. Get out and go golfing with your little Tiger. ;)

Cyn M said...

As always, you have been honest and up front about the way you feel.
Please do remember, as Michelle said, that there are those of us who LOVE YOU and now that this is all out in the open, you can focus on that!
You have gotten rid of the negativity and can now focus on the good in your life and those of us you can call FRIEND....
Move FORWARD with your bad self girl and don't look back!!!

Martha said...

I too missed the drama...but it saddens me to hear the heartache all this has caused for you, and trickled (ok maybe even gushed and flooded?) over to your family.

Don't let the petty folks get you down...say it, own it, and move on...(something I myself need to work on doing a better job of...I've got the owning part down, it's the letting it go afterwards that is the struggle).

Creative Junkie said...

I have no idea what happened and that's probably a good thing as drama tends to make me break out in hives. I'm so sorry that whatever transpired caused you pain - life is hard enough without having to deal with crap.

Life is also too short to waste time on those who don't get it - good for you for moving on.

Donna said...

Lee, I haven't a clue what the situation you've described is all about but I'm so sorry that you've had to suffer for the small mindedness of others.
I really like the way you own what you say because I personally consider that to be the sign of a truly honest and good person. Please take comfort from those of us who do appreciate and value you (even though we've never met or spoken!) and as far as I'm concerned, the others can go jump off the nearest cliff!